I ate a whole bag of grated cheese yesterday and now Iβm constipated. How poo?
Can't you attempt to blow up the United Kingdom Houses of Parliament with a quarter of a ton of gunpowder? The last person to attempt this was none other than a certain Mr. Guy Fawkes, you know, the inspiration for that moustachioed beaming mask in V For Vendetta, and/or Anonymous. The Parliament guards nabbed him in the act, then he Helped Them With Their Enquiries regarding the identities of his explosion-enthusiast colleagues.
One such Help was being stretched on the rack: one's wrists and ankles are cuffed to chains, then stretched with tremendous force. Should you attempt a second hilarious Catholic kaboom, why not appeal to your hosts' sense of history and tradition? A stretchy sequel? Poms love all that crap. Please sir may I have some more? You'll have your captors eating out of your hand in no time.
Now, demand that they stretch you like Silly Putty until your torso is twenty metres long and your entire digestive system is unravelled from its typical tight intestinal coil into a single straight tube. Then you can just squidge it like a tube of toothpaste with your own hands, and judo-chop the constipation until it surrenders. If you judo-chop with enough skill and vigour, you could anus-launch the constipated-bit at tremendous velocity at your barrels of gunpowder and trigger them and explode Parliament anyway and make Fawkes's ghost incredibly happy.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/3/why-explodin...