Husband is fairly well endowed, definitely above average. He’s always been able to put a hurting on that kitty. I lost a bunch of weight and now the kitty is more accessible and doesn’t have any cushion in the way. He bottoms all the way out and I swear it feels like his man sword is stabbing my kidneys or something. I hate to complain because my ex was below average and generally sucked in the sack but it hurts! What to do??? There’s no dads, stepdads, uncles or living male relatives to do and I’m not into chicks.
I know just the thing. Ever heard of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorentz_transformations?
They're basically what Einstein and other physicists were blathering about re Relativity. Long story short, when you go really REALLY fast, three types of stupendously weird shit happen:
- Your passage of time slows
- Your mass increases
- You physically shrink along your direction of travel
Seriously. Your Z-axis shrinks.
We shall harness that. Simply persuade Hubby to hump you so rapidly that his pelvis and all naughty bits are undulating at a cool 80% of the speed of light. Crunching the numbers produces a dilation factor of 5/3. Hubby's 10-inch python cock thus shrinks to a more manageable six-incher, leaving your kidneys blessedly unstabbed. Whew.
Two problems remain! First, physically shunting your beloved's gonads up to such a monstrous velocity in the first place; and second, attempting multiple sex-thrusts and -withdraws means he'd need to vroom up to 0.8c at mid-thrust, then decelerate to zero whilst balls-deep, then reverse-vroom to -0.8c on the withdraw. At your max depth, at zero-V, he'd sproing back to his full and un-Relativity'd length, right at the position and instant your kidneys would feel most greatly inconvenienced. Bah. Can't have that.
Solution to One: both of you sneak into the Large Hadron Collider, gently abduct its technical staff, and force them at gunpoint to reconfigure its particle accelerator hardware from protons to penises. Hell, they probably do that at New Years parties anyway, so it shouldn't be too much hassle. Your beloved's python cock shall thus hit 0.8c without issue.
Solution to Two: transform Hubby into the world's most magnificent one-pump chump. Make him get aroused, orgasm, and deflate, all during his single principal thrust. He'll safely front-bottom you thereafter. Simply blackmail the Large Hadron Collider's nerdy nerdy tech staff into surrendering their porn stashes by threatening them with imminent hypersonic husband-cock, then blast him with the lot until his sexual stamina droops to however long it takes a penis at 0.8c to traverse six inches, which Google tells me is 0.635 nanoseconds. Hawt.
Your sex is now incredibly raunchy and incredibly kidney-friendly and incredibly brief. Problem solved.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/2/todays-terri...